England? Never Been


Greetings from Thailand! My name is Eli and I am a copywriter, travel writer, book author, journalist, general roustabout and malcontent, blogger and etc. and etc. As a travel writer there are a few places on my list that I have not yet had the pleasure of visiting, most of them in Europe. One of those places is, you guessed it, England. England! Home of sunny music and rainy days. England! Home of spicy humor and bland food. England! Home of where all the best things in life are free, but also of the where it costs the most to eat out compared to anywhere else in the world. That’d be London.

EnglandI admit, I am no anglophile. You can keep your Doctor Who and football clubs and spotted dick and, frankly, the queen is just another person to me. I do love British pop old and new and, yes, the BBS has some of the best humor and documentary programming a body can absorb. All that, however, I can enjoy from the comfort of my own home. Why then do I want so badly to see the sights in Jolly Ol’? Genuinely: Because of English people.


As I’ve mentioned twice (now thrice) I am a travel writer. I’ve been privileged to travel to most continents, be treated like (minor) royalty and be paid (and have very little to show) for it besides an overabundance of parentheses that I share with you now. In my travels I have again and again come across Brits in vacation destinations. No matter where in the world I’ve gone, from the Caribbean to south east Asia, there’s been at least one limey minding a shop or having a pint. Quite often many more than one. And they always seem to be in great spirits… if a little rowdy. And, even better, Brits read. As an American in love with the English language that just makes my little heart flutter like a cheerleader’s eyelashes at the captain of the varsity team.


Now, let me relate my very first experience with Brits abroad. I was on assignment in San Filipe de Puerto Plata in the Dominican Republic, sexy lady, thieving bird and fleabitten mongrel capital of the north western hemisphere. This was the first day of my first visit to Puerto Plata but it would not be the last of either. Imagine, if you will, palm trees swaying in a warm breeze. You watch them from your reclining seat in a large open air arcade bordered by columns serving as the buffet for a lovely little beachside resort. The waiters and hostesses all in white cotton and exceedingly polite. Tiny black birds flitting to and fro, pausing only to snatch tidbits from abandoned plates.
EnglandThe sun was beginning to set and cast an orange glow over everything, the only sounds the singing of the birds, the laughing of guests, quiet conversation and sandals on sand-dusted stone tiles. I had been making casual conversation with a Belgian fellow with the most incredible moustache I had ever seen. White as snow and big enough to serve as a toupee for the statue of liberty. I decided to take my leave and see what else the resort had to offer. I headed toward the row of hot tubs, glad I’d had the foresight to wear my swimsuit. Approaching, I noticed that three were empty and one was populated by two beautiful women – one of them topless… and smiling at me. My choice made for me I returned the smile and entered the hot tub, my mind filled with the promises of what seemed to be shaping up to be a lovely night.
I introduced myself to the young lady and she took my hand and gave me her name in return. She then gestured to an approaching young man and introduced her brother who entered the pool with three beers and prompted my immediate exit by half filling the tub with vomit. Yes, the Brits do indeed party hard. From Amsterdam to Warsaw I’ve never failed to be entertained or embraced by them, and so I know I’ll enjoy myself when I finally make it over there.

Travelling around Europe by car is one of my greatest ambitions and starting somewhere like Germany or Spain and hiring a car to visit many other European companies including England is something I am really planning to do during 2015. There are a few restrictions when it comes to insurance and you need to make sure that the hire company allow you to take the vehicle over the border and that you feel comfortable with driving laws in different European countries  but after that it’s time to hit the open road!


So, while I cannot write about all the wonderful places in England that I have visited – because I haven’t – I can and will be compiling a list of places in England that I wish to visit, and why. Won’t you follow along? If you have any suggestions for places I should visit please do share. Eventually I’ll take a holiday from Bangkok and have my wicked way with Lady London and all her sisters. I need to know where to get my share of blood pudding. And, being a grim and gruesome sort with a dark humor and evil mind I do believe I’ll start my list – the first installment of which will begin shortly – with all the best places to die in England. Tune in, turn on, click along and read. If you haven’t heard of Clink Hostels you’re about to.